{"id":70672,"date":"2023-11-12T23:29:39","date_gmt":"2023-11-13T04:29:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/world.edu\/?p=70672"},"modified":"2023-11-12T23:29:39","modified_gmt":"2023-11-13T04:29:39","slug":"why-are-my-kids-good-around-other-people-and-then-badly-behaved-with-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/world.edu\/why-are-my-kids-good-around-other-people-and-then-badly-behaved-with-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Why are my kids good around other people and then badly behaved with me?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Parents may be familiar with this scenario: a child is well behaved at school and polite to their teachers but has a meltdown at home in the afternoon.<\/p>\n

Or they say please and thank you at a friend\u2019s house but are rude with their family. They follow the rules if they visit a neighbour but have to be constantly reminded about not slamming doors and raiding the pantry at home.<\/p>\n

Why is this so? And is there anything you can do about it?<\/p>\n

Children learn early their behaviour matters<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Even well behaved children misbehave from time to time.<\/p>\n

When young children get tired, such as after a play date or a long day at daycare or school, they can become irritable and disruptive. Children are also naturally\u00a0curious<\/a>\u00a0and may misbehave sometimes just to see what happens.<\/p>\n

However, some children seem to behave consistently worse at home than with other people. To understand this phenomenon, it\u2019s necessary to understand why children behave the way they do.<\/p>\n

From the very beginning, a child\u2019s behaviour produces results or outcomes. For example, babies soon learn crying is a very effective way of signalling they are in distress. Parents quickly learn to change a wet nappy or feed their infant when they cry. A smile often results in an adult smiling back, cooing or cuddling the baby.<\/p>\n

So children quickly realise their behaviour can be an effective way of\u00a0controlling the actions of others<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The bad behaviour pay-off<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Children\u2019s behaviour, whether desirable or undesirable, is influenced by the\u00a0consequences<\/a>\u00a0it produces.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, the reactions of parents or siblings can accidentally reward misbehaviour, and children learn undesirable behaviour has a payoff.<\/p>\n

For example, children may learn that when they don\u2019t do as they\u2019re told, they get extra attention from their parents. This attention may be reasoning, discussing, arguing, nagging or repeating instructions over and over. It may not be seen as a \u201creward\u201d to adults, but children are getting more attention from mum or dad.<\/p>\n

Children may also learn when they whine and complain for an electronic device they are more likely to get it.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, in this scenario, the child is rewarded for whining and the parent is rewarded for giving them the iPad because it stops a highly irritating noise (at least in the short term). As both the child and the parent are rewarded, this interaction is likely to occur again.<\/p>\n

Why are kids better at school?<\/strong><\/h4>\n

When children are with less familiar people, they do not know how others will respond or what behaviour will result in a payoff. In these\u00a0circumstances<\/a>\u00a0it is common for there to be less undesirable behaviour, at least temporarily.<\/p>\n

Children can also behave better at school than at home because teachers have very good systems in place. Children are kept busy with a variety of engaging activities, expectations of children\u2019s behaviour are clear, and the payoff for desirable behaviour is reliable. Teachers are well practised at recognising and rewarding desirable behaviour through attention, praise and sometimes token reward systems.<\/p>\n

Children also tend to\u00a0imitate their peers\u2019 behaviour<\/a>, particularly if they see it\u00a0gets results<\/a>, such as attention from the teacher or access to prized activities.<\/p>\n

How can parents help kids to behave better at home?<\/strong><\/h4>\n

The good news is if children behave well in one setting, we know they are capable of\u00a0doing the same at home<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Parents can value children\u2019s need to relax at home while still expecting them to be polite and follow rules. By making some\u00a0small changes<\/a>, it\u2019s usually possible to see much improved behaviour.<\/p>\n

Here are some practical things parents can do:<\/p>\n