{"id":54284,"date":"2020-10-06T13:14:21","date_gmt":"2020-10-06T20:14:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/world.edu\/?p=54284"},"modified":"2020-10-06T13:14:21","modified_gmt":"2020-10-06T20:14:21","slug":"imposter-syndrome-is-not-real-but-i-call-mine-berl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/world.edu\/imposter-syndrome-is-not-real-but-i-call-mine-berl\/","title":{"rendered":"Imposter Syndrome is not real, but I call mine ‘Berl’"},"content":{"rendered":"

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\nI hate to fail.<\/p>\n

My failure avoidance leads to a tendency for overwork. I drive myself harder than any manager will, mostly out of fear of failure rather than love for the work. My feelings of insecurity make me a good employee and student, but they also put me at risk for burn out and exhaustion.<\/p>\n

Relating?<\/p>\n

If so, read on because I think we really need to talk about what it\u2019s like to be a failure avoider during a global pandemic.<\/p>\n

In the past, I\u2019ve hesitated to call myself a perfectionist. I can be remarkably messy.\u00a0I have trouble with detail<\/a>. I can say \u2018good enough\u2019 and hand things in. My house is very neat (but largely because Mr Thesiswhisperer has higher hygiene standards than me). And yet, whenever I take a psych test for perfectionism?<\/p>\n

Off. The. Charts.<\/p>\n

Apparently, you can be as sloppy as fuck and a perfectionist at the same time. I find this confusing, so I prefer to think about what is going on with me as perfectionism-failure avoidance.<\/p>\n

I have learned that this perfectionistic-failure avoidance tendency of mine is not about neatness. I want \u2013 no. I\u00a0need<\/em>\u00a0my work to be seen as good and worthwhile by others. Feeling like I have failed in this aim can provoke an intense, almost visceral sense of shame and a healthy dose of fear. I avoid this feeling as much as possible by working until I get it \u2018right\u2019.<\/p>\n

The problem is, I never, ever feel I have it \u2018right\u2019.<\/p>\n

This variant of perfectionism is not what they call \u2018maladaptive\u2019, but nor is it healthy. While I don\u2019t beat myself up for missing occasional deadlines, I fear being \u2018found out\u2019 as a failure until people tell me what I have done is good. Only then do I feel a momentary, fleeting sense of relief \u2013 but it doesn\u2019t last long before I am back into the perfectionistic cycle again on a new project.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t take much pleasure in my achievements either. I must, at some level, crave the praise that comes with success, or I wouldn\u2019t work so hard. But when people actually praise me, I get quite uncomfortable. I wince inside when people call me a \u2018super-star\u2019 and list my achievements before I give a public talk. I feel like the person they are describing is not me, but I have to be here to accept the praise on her behalf because she does\u00a0sound<\/em>\u00a0pretty awesome.<\/p>\n

I suspect academia is the perfect petri dish for this perfectionist-failure avoidance tendency of mine to grow and metastasize because I meet people like myself ALL THE TIME.<\/p>\n

I see failure-avoidant PhD students and working researchers in my writing workshops and bootcamps. Many of them are super anxious and looking for \u2018rules\u2019 that they can follow to get it \u2018right\u2019 (sadly, there are not many I can offer). These people are often exhausted and burned out. When you tell these high-achievers they are doing fantastic work, and their project is close to being done, they immediately tell you how it\u2019s not good enough. They work extremely hard \u2013 probably too many hours \u2013 but are extremely reluctant to pull back. They tend to react with fear and trepidation when you suggest they are over-doing it a bit. They never seem satisfied with their achievements and, before a project is even done, will take on another, even harder one.<\/p>\n

This pattern of behaviour is often called \u2018the imposter syndrome\u2019.\u00a0<\/a>Hugh Kearns, a famous educator in PhD circles, has written a lot of good stuff about it. While I respect Hugh\u2019s work, I don\u2019t like to use the term \u2018imposter syndrome\u2019. As far as I know, it\u2019s not been independently validated as an actual psychological condition, so it\u2019s problematic to give it that label.\u00a0As my \u2018blog sister\u2019 Pat Thomson points out,\u00a0by calling this behaviour a \u2018syndrome\u2019, we pathologise a rational reaction to being in a hierarchical, competitive place like a university, surrounded by high achievers.<\/strong><\/p>\n

To understand what is going on here I think we need to delve deeper into the literature on perfectionism. According to psychologists Hewitt and Flett, there are three kinds of perfectionism: self-oriented, other-oriented and socially-prescribed. All perfectionists will be a little of each type, but consider this list of questionnaire items for socially-prescribed perfectionists, which I have adapted from their 45 item multi-dimensional perfectionism scale:<\/p>\n