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I\u2019ve been in lockdown with my partner for two months now. I have hardly left the house, apart from the occasional walk. Well I have been outside, of course, but in our small backyard and not proper outside outside, if you know what I mean.<\/p>\n
My world has shrunk and, like a lot of other people\u2019s, taken a decided turn to the digital. Teaching has migrated online but also other parts of life. My book group has gone Skyping and doubled its meetings. We used to meet monthly and combine socialising with serious text work. We\u2019ve now separated the two and meet once a fortnight for \u201ccoffee\u201d and once a fortnight to discuss our chosen book. And so it goes.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve not taken up a new hobby. I haven\u2019t suddenly started baking \u2013 well to be fair my partner used to have a bakery and still does all the baking we need. I was always a sporadic gardener and haven\u2019t become more well acquainted with my fork and spade this spring than in any other year. \u00a0But I do do some things\u00a0less<\/em>\u00a0than before. I\u2019m reading less fiction and rather more sociological and philosophical writing about the state of the world. I\u2019ve become even more interested in thinking about where we might go as opposed to where we might end up if we don\u2019t do anything different. And of course the corollary \u2013 I am doing some things\u00a0more<\/em>\u00a0than before \u2013 using my exercise bike much more assiduously for instance.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve also noticed that I\u2019ve noticed more. Noticing, paying attention to what is around me, is very much part of my research process. I do a lot of ethnographic research, and even when I\u2019m working in other methodological traditions, I\u2019m often still observing and listening. So, now that I am not out and about doing research, I find myself noticing and observing my own changed behaviour, emotional responses and everyday activities.<\/p>\n I find for example that I am more aware of small things. Because I\u2019m in the house all of the time I see the spider\u2019s web immediately. Because the seeds are growing in egg cartons next to the kitchen sink, I mark their progress several times a day and can move them about to catch the sun. Because I am in my home office much more I feel obliged to try to reorganise the space so that there is simply more \u2013 space that is.<\/p>\n I notice how lockdown has changed domestic habits. For years my partner and I have been training ourselves to shop little, often, seasonal and local. This minimises waste, keeps us somewhat in tune with the weather and where we are living, and also ensures we don\u2019t end up with hideous science experiments at the back of the fridge. Now we just can\u2019t do this. In two months I have managed to secure three online grocery deliveries which supplement weekly fruit and veg deliveries. I have become my grandmother whose life in an isolated mining town was punctuated by irregular deliveries from the big smoke. And what excitement that was for her and is for me. \u00a0What of the order actually arrives? What is substituted and is it really usable? What has to be gone without, again?<\/p>\n I notice that some academic habits have become glaringly obvious. I find it hard not to notice that I\u2019ve got a case of what I could acronym FONDA \u2013 Fear Of Not Doing Anything. I see much more clearly now how I am prone to think I have done absolutely nothing at the end of the working day, when I have in reality answered emails, checked the latest journal articles, made contact with people on social media, reviewed a paper, written a reference, given feedback on some text, written a blog post. What\u2019s that FONDA about then?<\/p>\n \u201cDoing anything\u201d irrationally equates to getting some writing or analysis done. Yet if you had asked me about what work I was doing during lockup on any particular day I would happily say that emails, reviewing etc all constituted my academic work. But also apparently doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n The work that gets counted in higher education is research and publications. \u00a0Teaching counts too but it\u2019s all about doing whatever it takes to ensure the numbers, income and satisfaction scores. And the rest of it \u2013 reviews, references, emails, establishing and maintaining networks, giving feedback \u2013 these are unseen and taken for granted by all of our institutions.<\/p>\n The lockup has allowed me to understand \u2013 yet again, as this seems to be a lesson that I find difficult to learn \u2013 that the kind of competitive productivity pressures about research and writing that I intellectually reject have sneakily inserted themselves into my life. I\u2019ve let myself become prey to an evaluative emotional regime that determines what I feel good about accomplishing, and what I don\u2019t see as real work. I\u2019m stuck in emotional labour relations that aren\u2019t good for my lockdown psyche.<\/p>\n But maybe I can get out of this space. Despite the conflict between the rational and the emotional, perhaps I can get a grip. Perhaps now is the time to follow some other lockdown lessons.<\/p>\n