{"id":47772,"date":"2019-05-02T14:35:43","date_gmt":"2019-05-02T21:35:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/world.edu\/?p=47772"},"modified":"2019-05-02T14:35:43","modified_gmt":"2019-05-02T21:35:43","slug":"how-to-explain-to-his-children-that-we-will-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/world.edu\/how-to-explain-to-his-children-that-we-will-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"How to explain to his children that we will divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

Although some children have the chance to cross their parents’ separation without suffering too much, most of them may be disrupted\u00a0<\/span>in the short term<\/span><\/a>\u00a0, if not over a longer\u00a0<\/span>period<\/span><\/a>\u00a0.<\/span><\/p>\n

As an adult, you probably have probably forgotten how important your family was to your stability and even to your identity.\u00a0Children have not yet developed autonomy, independence or sense of security;\u00a0on the contrary, their entire frame of reference rests on the family.\u00a0When this frame breaks, they may feel like their world is falling apart.<\/span><\/p>\n

It should be noted that the suggestions I am making here relate to the (relatively) friendly separations, where both parents have in mind the best interests of the child.\u00a0These tips will be of little value in the case of conflicting separations, where one or both parents seek to destroy the other.<\/span><\/p>\n

With toddlers<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Very young children (under 5 years old) have a limited understanding of human relationships.\u00a0What they will notice is that Dad leaves and does not come back for a long time (the days go by more slowly in the eyes of a 5 year old), or they have to live between two houses.\u00a0The main problem here will be to overcome the anxiety of separation.<\/span><\/p>\n

Explain the situation in the simplest possible terms: “Mom and Dad live in two different houses now.\u00a0One week you’ll live with mom, the other with dad, but you’ll be able to call each of us every day, and you’ll have your things in both houses. ”\u00a0The consistency of rules and expectations between the two houses should provide a sense of stability and familiarity.<\/span><\/p>\n

With children<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Children who are old enough to go to primary school are extremely egocentric and may believe that they are responsible for what happens in the negative (eg “I did not clean my room so Mom left me”) .\u00a0As irrational as it may seem to an adult, this way of thinking is completely normal at this age.<\/span><\/p>\n

Take the lead by explaining very clearly to the child that your separation has nothing to do with him and that you will always be there for him.\u00a0Tell her something like “Mom and dad can not live together anymore because it’s hard for some people to stay friends when they get older.”<\/span><\/p>\n

With teenagers<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Children and adolescents may tend to see things in a black and white manner, and thus push each parent to play the right or wrong role – this can be difficult to overcome and\u00a0<\/span>take time<\/span><\/a>\u00a0to resolve.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even if you have to avoid involving children, whatever their age, in the specific reasons of your divorce, it can be more complicated with teenagers when there is a visible reason (excessive alcohol consumption, mental problems irresponsible financial decisions, known infidelity).<\/span><\/p>\n

In this case, the best you can do is to avoid demonizing the other parent and suggest to the older ones to discuss directly with the parent concerned worries they have about their attitude.\u00a0There is no point dodging questions with ineffective platitudes like “You’ll understand when you’re older.”\u00a0Do not go into the details of your adult conflicts but answer any questions they may have about you, your conduct and your future plans.<\/span><\/p>\n

Always remember that if you start to denigrate the other parent, you are actually criticizing 50% of your child’s DNA and asking them to\u00a0<\/span>choose between two people<\/span><\/a>\u00a0they like.\u00a0This will only serve to cause\u00a0<\/span>further harm<\/span><\/a>to your children.<\/span><\/p>\n

Older teens may have\u00a0<\/span>strong views<\/span><\/a>\u00a0about how their lifestyle is organized and may not be willing to politely comply with shared custody models or even family court orders.\u00a0Listen to their concerns (which are most likely directed to their friends, sports or school activities), be understanding and be flexible.\u00a0You and your ex are turning their lives upside down, which can lead to their anger, so get ready to compromise.<\/span><\/p>\n

Take time<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Whatever their age, try to be consistent in your co-parent role and take personal responsibility for keeping your promises.<\/span><\/p>\n

Avoid getting other “disruptive” elements on the scene.\u00a0It can take months, if not years, for children to feel good about this new family organization.\u00a0Introducing it shortly after a new boyfriend or girlfriend, or completely changing one’s lifestyle, would not be very delicate.<\/span><\/p>\n

Understand that your desire to move forward and reinvent yourself may not be appreciated by children who need time to mourn family harmony and adapt to your – and their – new situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

Author Bio: <\/strong>Rachael Sharman is a Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the University of the Sunshine Coast<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Although some children have the chance to cross their parents’ separation without suffering too much, most of them may be disrupted\u00a0in the short term\u00a0, if not over a longer\u00a0period\u00a0. As an adult, you probably have probably forgotten how important your family was to your stability and even to your identity.\u00a0Children have not yet developed autonomy, […]\n… learn more→<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":47773,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[209354],"coauthors":[11733],"class_list":["post-47772","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-social-change","tag-divorce"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to explain to his children that we will divorce - World leading higher education information and services<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/world.edu\/how-to-explain-to-his-children-that-we-will-divorce\/\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to explain to his children that we will divorce - World leading higher education information and services\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Although some children have the chance to cross their parents’ separation without suffering too much, most of them may be disrupted\u00a0in the short term\u00a0, if not over a longer\u00a0period\u00a0. 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