{"id":44720,"date":"2018-07-31T17:08:19","date_gmt":"2018-08-01T00:08:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/world.edu\/?p=44720"},"modified":"2018-07-31T17:08:19","modified_gmt":"2018-08-01T00:08:19","slug":"phd-fear-a-personal-account","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/world.edu\/phd-fear-a-personal-account\/","title":{"rendered":"PhD fear (a personal account)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

At 2.24pm on 6th<\/sup>\u00a0June 2016, after a morning filled with panic, I plonked myself down at my kitchen table and wrote this:<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve got PhD Fear. I\u2019ve had it for three days now, and there\u2019s no sign it\u2019s toddling off to find someone else to haunt. It\u2019s always there, like a software programme quietly running in the background of my mind. A strange combination of lively moments of panic and levelling moments of stillness, I find myself overcome with the thought of completing a PhD. A PhD which I love, by the way.<\/em><\/p>\n

I wonder how I got here.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Since 2015, I have written 8 journal articles, numerous guest blogs and media pieces, and presented at 7 conferences. I run my own blog which, through a public vote, was shortlisted in the UK Blog Awards. I got\u00a0a mention in The Guardian<\/a>. In July\/August I\u2019m delivering 3 international conferences papers. And I\u2019ve got a guest blog, a magazine feature and 4 journal articles in the pipeline. Oh \u2013 almost forgot \u2013 I\u2019m giving my first keynote at the end of the year.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t say this to show off or make anyone who might one day read this feel inadequate. I\u2019m saying it out aloud to prove to myself that I have a track record in managing my time, alongside teaching, admin and other projects, and producing pretty good stuff.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not like I haven\u2019t started the PhD. I\u2019ve been immersed in it. I\u2019m doing a Professional Doctorate, an enquiry-based project exploring my role as a senior lecturer in law. I draw on my lived experience and place my personal narrative at the forefront of my research. In short, I write about myself. Confessional tales, of which this is one, help me to figure out what I do, how I live, and invite readers to feel, think and respond.<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s the size. Metaphors like \u2018insurmountable mountain\u2019 get used a lot in PhD student circles, as do\u00a0comparisons to dragons<\/a>. Perhaps I need to stop thinking of my PhD as Everest and start comparing it to my guinea pig Valentino. He\u2019s quite small, in the grand scheme of things. And he doesn\u2019t breathe fire (as far as I\u2019m aware).<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s that I\u2019m terrified brain and fingers won\u2019t work together to spill the good stuff into the thesis. I construct flowing sentences that sound really impressive in the cocoon of my brain, but, well, a bit rubbish when I try to let it out on the page. Perhaps letting it out is the only thing I can do right now. And later, when I can see it all there in front of me, I can polish it up.<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s the time. I don\u2019t have long. I\u2019m almost in year two of a three year programme. The clock is ticking and before we know it December will be here. What will I have done by then? Something? Something that makes sense? Something that has rigour? Something that is good enough? Even while I\u2019m writing this, I\u2019m half whispering to myself \u2018you could be reading\u2026 you could be drafting that conference paper\u2026\u2019 Perhaps something is good enough and I need to trust myself to keep chipping away at it bit by bit.<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s the balance with family life. There\u2019s a part of me which dreams of chucking it all in. I\u2019m jealous of friends who do the 9-5 and spend evenings with their children. I worry that my sitting at the computer during \u2018downtime\u2019 will eradicate personal relationships, that the PhD will always be the priority. Perhaps I need to give myself time limits and book holidays in advance away from PhD-land.<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s all of those things together. Panic and stillness. Dreams and reality. But what\u2019s important is to face the fear. Stare it in the eye. Show it you know it\u2019s there. Write a blog post about it. And then calmly ask it to move on.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n

Since I wrote this, time moved on. I moved on. I delivered those three international conference papers. I wrote those journal articles. And then I had a period of sick leave due to a really nasty bout of depression and anxiety.<\/p>\n

For almost four months, I didn\u2019t touch my PhD. My numerous lever arch files were banished to the back bedroom, underneath the spare bed (you know, the place you put things you want to forget). But I sought help, looked after myself, and eventually went back to work. And I slowly picked up the PhD. And I slowly started to write.<\/p>\n

Reader, I\u2019m due to submit in March 2019.<\/p>\n

I think this is the point where I\u2019m meant to say \u201csee, there\u2019s light at the end of the tunnel\u201d. Or, \u201cand now I face every day with confidence \u2013 no more PhD fear for me!\u201d. But that\u2019s not how it works. I still have days when I have absolutely no idea why I am bothering. And moments of utter devastation, where I convince myself I\u2019ve written a whole load of garbage.<\/p>\n

Sometimes when we go through a difficult period, we\u2019re expected to adhere to a narrative that says the bad times are behind us. Onwards and upward, not peaks and troughs. But peaks and troughs are part of life, and they\u2019re certainly part of the PhD \u2018journey\u2019. And they\u2019re okay. And they will pass. And they might even come back again. And they\u2019ll move on.<\/p>\n

Author Bio:<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Elaine Campbell is an Associate Professor at Northumbria Law School, Newcastle upon Tyne, UK.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

At 2.24pm on 6th\u00a0June 2016, after a morning filled with panic, I plonked myself down at my kitchen table and wrote this: I\u2019ve got PhD Fear. I\u2019ve had it for three days now, and there\u2019s no sign it\u2019s toddling off to find someone else to haunt. It\u2019s always there, like a software programme quietly running […]\n… learn more→<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":44721,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[29],"tags":[209411],"coauthors":[11733],"class_list":["post-44720","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-higher-education","tag-phd-fear"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nPhD fear (a personal account) - World leading higher education information and services<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/world.edu\/phd-fear-a-personal-account\/\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"PhD fear (a personal account) - World leading higher education information and services\" class=\"yoast-seo-meta-tag\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"At 2.24pm on 6th\u00a0June 2016, after a morning filled with panic, I plonked myself down at my kitchen table and wrote this: I\u2019ve got PhD Fear. 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